Genesis 2:24: Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh

The joy of every parent is to see their daughter get married after completing school, and that’s exactly the joy and honor Akua bestowed on her parents.

Married at 25

Separated mentally at 35

Divorced at 40

Not really how She imagined her life going. Akua in single motherhood, trauma, PTSD, and overwhelming grief. She stood staring ahead at her new life wondering how She got here, how society will receive her and where She is going from here.

People assume marriage is a box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc.….. The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage.

There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.

When two people fall in-love after dating for a while, the only possible next step is to tie the knot. The joy of marrying the man you love is beyond the moon but when he becomes all what you never expected and you have tried everything to make it work without success, do not see yourself as a failure. Do not fear how people will perceive you, rather forge ahead, be stronger.

I was incredibly heartbroken when I heard the news about Osinachi the gospel singer’s death, and even more heartbroken to find out that the death was occasioned by the relentless physical abuse her husband had unleashed on her. Later on I heard more about how the abuse had been going on for years and how Osinachi stayed in it while painting the image of a model Christian wife in a good Christian marriage to the public.

I’ve heard people ask why she didn’t speak up about the abuse, why she didn’t leave, why she didn’t report etc. I couldn’t help but cringe at the hypocrisy and pretence of all those who were saying and asking these questions. The reason is, society is so brutal and unforgiving when it comes to the issue of women getting divorced.

Would Osinachi have been forgiven by the church for leaving her abusive marriage? They would have said one of the virtues of a good Christian is forgiveness and long-suffering and even referred her to Jesus’ suffering on the cross. She would have been an example of non-Christians who would have made a case about Christians not practicing what they preach; God hating divorce and man not putting asunder what God has put together. Either way, Osinachi would have been dragged all over the place if she left that marriage because a woman is to be submissive, because a woman is supposed to turn a house into a home, because a woman can’t wash her dirty linens outside, because we tend to paint an angelic picture of our husbands and find it hard to communicate the truth about their characters,……..

The thought of divorce is usually very daunting for women, no matter how sensible the reasons for divorce may sound, a woman would be judged cruelly. Family would only think about the family’s reputation and not their daughter’s wellbeing. I mean, how are you worried about society taunting you for producing a divorcee when you can be supportive and look for ways you can protect your daughter from taking a mental hit. They’d try to advise and convince her to stay in the marriage and make it work. Of course, I’m not against working things out and fighting to make the marriage work, but not at the detriment of your mental and physical health. And definitely not when it puts your life at risk like in Osinachi’s case. And if you want to advise anyone about what they can do instead of divorce, please make sure they’re practical enough.

Stop telling people to pray, prayer is not a bad thing, prayer is a powerful tool, but there aren’t a million examples about prayer dramatically changing a bad husband without any other effort. Stop telling them they should submit to their husbands; how can you straightaway assume the only reason a man isn’t treating his wife well is because she isn’t submissive enough? How insensitive. One thing I know about the African woman, most, is they being submissive, they are taught right from the start how to treat a man, the reverse of how a man should treat a woman however …..leaves much to be desired.

So its either the woman is made to feel like she’s the cause of whatever that’s going wrong or when it is evident that it’s the man’s fault, there must be a dark force somewhere making him misbehave and that force must be prayed away. I hardly hear a man being advised to work on himself or pray for his marriage to work until the man has caused fatal damage, then society jumps on his head and bashes him, even so they still think the woman did something wrong.

One very unfortunate fact that keeps women in marriages and makes divorce scary for them is the kind of premium we put on being married. No matter how successful a woman is, she is seen as half a woman until she is married. Women who got married become the talk of town, who doesn’t like to be the talk of town? Married women flaunting their marriage in the faces of single women and all that. They flood social media with all their wedding photos and couple photos that it gets sickening at certain points. After doing all these, how do you now face the same society after getting divorced? They’d rather endure and throw the kids in as an excuse for being unable to divorce or separate when actually a divorce is what’s best for the kids, instead of growing up in a toxic space with parents who hate each other.

Women, it takes two to make a home. You can only support a man who wants to make the house a home and not single handedly change that.

It is okay to pursue divorce when all efforts made to salvage the marriage has failed.

Society didn’t marry for you.

Society isn’t in the marriage with you.

Society is dealing with its own issues.

Society won’t save you when you’re dying.

And actually, Society doesn’t care. So do what’s best for your wellbeing.

Sometimes the abuse may just be the man making you feel, you are incapable of being truly loved, making you feel nonexistent in his life- mental abuse, sometimes is he not responding to your love language making you not to feel fulfilled, sometimes it is living with a man who wouldn’t touch or talk to you……But I am not here to talk about the types of abuse. If you are not happy and it is affecting you physically, mentally or physiologically, find a solution and a lasting one.

Divorce is okay.
Breaking up is okay
Starting over is okay.
Moving on is okay.
Being alone is okay.
What is not okay is staying somewhere you’re not valued, wanted, needed and/or appreciated.

Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.

Nobody ever died of divorce. – Jennifer Weiner

May be when we stop telling women that the greatest accomplishment is getting married and staying in it, will walking out of a toxic marriage not be so difficult. Stay woke and let’s make this world and marriage sacred and better