Many know of its rampancy among Christian couples but have chosen to hide or downplay it — the deliberate withholding of sexual intercourse and even romantic intimacy from one’s spouse.
Women used to be the culprit, wearing jeans to bed as a form of punishing their husband but now some men as well are guilty of this behavior; either tired or simply ignoring the subject all together.

The lack of sex permeates every aspect of the marriage, tarnishing even the simplest of interactions with disdain and resentment. We are incredibly quick to identify pornography, musturbation and adultery as sexual sins that damage and in some cases, destroy marriages. We are painfully slow, though, to identify sexual refusal (starvation) as a sin. Yet we know; you and I know, that this sin too damages and in some cases destroys marriages.

How does one know he/she is in a sex starved relationship?
Is it the number of times you make love through the week/month…….?
I will say is one where one spouse is desperately longing for more touch, more physical closeness, more sex, more physical connection and the other spouse thinks, “what’s the big deal?. Is just sex, get a life”.
But in actual facts, this tickling demand is about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated and feeling close emotionally.

Unfortunate thing is, when this major disconnect happens, what also happens is that intimacy on all levels goes right out the door. They stop sitting next to each other on the couch. They stop laughing at each other’s jokes.
They stop doing things together. In essence, they really stop being friends. And it places the marriage at risk of infidelity and divorce or even worse; ……..enduring.

You really need to understand the reality that; “if you’re struggling in your sexual relationship and you’re arguing about sex because one person is “hot” and the other isn’t, that they’re not alone”.
There should be some comfort in just knowing that you are not alone; appreciate it and make the difference.

What really intrigues me is how difficult it is for the “starved” spouse especially women to “initiate” the engagement. On one hand, this is however understandable because women stretch outside their comfort zones to initiate sex, they recoil when their initial advances are met with a rejection and become gun shy. On the other hand, men are however built to pursue so they might try again after a rejection.
However, regardless of who is “hot” or “cold” in sex drive, one thing must be considered; the impact of rejection on your partner.

Physical intimacy is part of God’s normal plan for marriage, and a husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s needs in this area (1 Corinthians 7:2– 4).
Assuming there is no physical or medical condition that would prevent sexual intimacy, a lack of sex in marriage should come by mutual consent for spiritual pursuits for short periods of time (1 Corinthians 7:5).

The Bible says, “the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer;

As to the frequency, I suppose people differ. But it is not for an outsider to say in any case. If one partner wants sex, then God’s command for marriage is clear enough: “no refusal” is permitted unless mutually agreed to for a time of prayer. That is the command of scripture. Your body belongs to her, and vice versa.

Husbands and wives should be fair with each other about having sex.
In simple language, a wife belongs to her husband, instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife, instead of to himself.
Sex should not be withheld or demanded. If one spouse does not want to have sex, the other spouse should agree to abstain. If one spouse wants to have sex, the other spouse should agree. It is all a matter of compromise

NOTE:
Not all cases of adultery arise from sexual greed. Some are prompted by acute sexual need.

The lack of sex in marriage is due to the husband refusing intimacy, the wife may be neglecting her responsibility before God to love, respect, and submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22–24). If he feels neglected, inferior, or dominated, he may refuse intimacy to get even or to regain control, or he may lose interest altogether. Either way, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).

A spouse is withholding sex seemingly without cause, there may be a deeper, suppressed problem stemming from the past. In this case, counseling could help the problem come to the surface and hopefully be dealt with. In any case, both parties should take some time off and sit down with the intent to talk it out without shifting the blame.

A pastor or biblical counselor can be a wonderful help during these conversations. The goal should be to understand the perspective of one’s spouse, so the couple can then move together in the right direction and allow change to begin.

So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Am here encouraging married couples to “tear off” each other’s garments regularly, and to break the habit only by mutual consent for a short period to give themselves to prayer.
A sexless marriage is a cause for concern. Again ruling out physical difficulties, the root is most likely a spiritual one.


The first order of business is to pray for wisdom, mercy and grace to help in the time of need (James 1:5; Hebrews 4:16).
It is always good to put one’s own house in order before seeking to correct someone else; therefore, if a spouse feels wronged in this area, he/she should ask the Lord to reveal anything he/she may be doing to contribute to the problem (Psalm 139:23).
God will answer such a prayer, provided we are willing to listen.

Should the deprived spouse discover that he or she has contributed to the cause of the lack of sex in the marriage, the sin should be confessed to God and the spouse and steps taken to correct the behavior (Proverbs 28:13).
If this has been done and sexual intimacy is still withheld, the wronged spouse should continue to do what is right, praying daily for grace to love unconditionally and trusting God to work in His time. This is now a test of faith (James 1:2–4). All the while, the deprived spouse should take care to keep the lines of communication open with his or her partner and never neglect God’s commands concerning the marital relationship (Ephesians 5:22–33).

It takes time and patience to wait on the Lord and to keep one’s eyes on Him to rise above the circumstances.

THE WAY OUT:
Honest communication and forgiveness are the best way to address this issue; be careful to avoid
playing “the blame game.” First Corinthians 13 can be the checklist—does that chapter’s description of love matches how a husband’s treats his wife or the other way round?
Godly love will keep him from bitterness against his wife and harshness toward her (Colossians 3:19).

Healing cannot be forced and may take some time. In the meantime, forgiveness is an immediate command (Matthew 6:14–15). If both parties want God’s best and if the process is done in humility and sincerity, full intimacy is possible once again. A hurting couple should commit
themselves to time in the Word daily, to prayer, to
obedience to God, and to each other. Then they can patiently trust the Lord to work in both their hearts and heal whatever is causing the lack of sex in the marriage.
Sex and touch is a tie that binds” and I affirm to this reality.
It is primal for us as living being in terms of a sense of connection, closeness, feeling safe in a relationship.
Plus when it works the right way, having sex with your spouse should be what sets the relationship apart from all other relationships.
It is what makes it special and unique.

Make love to stay in love.
Intimacy in relationship is of utmost importance.

By Mzjudy

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